Someone I Love Was Never Born

Grieving my miscarriage #thelovelygeek

Tuesday (November 22) evening into Wednesday (November 23) morning, I suffered a miscarriage. Words cannot describe how devastated I am. This was my very first pregnancy.

Just like seeing that extra pink stripe on a pregnancy test, a miscarriage will change your life in an instant.

PCOS and The Challenge of Getting Pregnant

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years. In 2015 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) when I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. It turns out women with PCOS have a much harder time getting pregnant naturally, and the risk of miscarriage is much higher for women with PCOS as well.

Digging further into my PCOS diagnosis it was revealed I have insulin resistance and high levels of testosterone, both of which can contribute to the risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS. In March of this year I started taking taking Metformin to help with the insulin resistance portion of my PCOS. This helped me dramatically. I lost 15 pounds and my irregular cycles became regular.

Getting Pregnant

My cycles had become so regular thanks to the Metformin that when my period was several days late in October it was enough to convince me to take a pregnancy test. For the first time in my life, I saw a positive result. I couldn’t believe it given how many negative pregnancy tests I’ve taken over the past two years. I ventured out to Walgreens to buy another box of tests, all of which yielded a positive result. I told Dani right away, but I wanted to make it special for Joshua when it was confirmed that this was the real deal.

A visit to my primary care physician followed by a referral to my OBGYN, I did intake with the RN and got all my blood tests set up as well as my prenatal screenings. I was doing everything that I needed to do now that I was pregnant – getting doctor appointments set up, making lifestyle changes, etc. but the scare of miscarriage was always lurking in the back of my mind.

I decided I would tell Joshua on our anniversary. I ordered a Mercedes-Benz pacifier and presented it to him after dinner at Blue Bayou in Disneyland, the same placed he proposed to me. It was very special and he was equally excited as I was that we were going to be parents.

A week later (November 14) we had our first ultrasound. Based on the dates of my LMP (last menstrual period), I should have been about 9 weeks along at that point. Instead, the ultrasound showed I was about 6 and 1/2 weeks along and no fetal heartbeat. My doctor thought that was a little odd given how certain I was of my dates, so she had me get setup with the imaging department to do a more invasive ultrasound which would have a better chance showing a fetal heartbeat as well as a more accurate EDD (estimated due date).

1st ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days

I did the detailed ultrasound two days later and not only did it show the same thing that my doctor saw, but it also confirmed my PCOS diagnosis because I had cysts on my ovaries (fun fact – you don’t necessarily have to have cysts to have PCOS).

2nd ultrasound

Since I was on the cusp of it being to early to get a heartbeat, my OBGYN wanted to see me in a week or two to do another ultrasound. We scheduled that appointment for December 1st.


I had been spotting for about two weeks at this point. At first I thought it was because of all ultrasounds/exams I had recently, but the spotting didn’t show any signs of going away. Last weekend the spotting turned red and started getting heavier to the point where I was scared/stressed enough to call my doctor for an appointment on Monday (November 21).

At my appointment, my doctor examined me and did an ultrasound. Not only was there no fetal heartbeat, which there should have been at this point, but the baby looked even smaller than my last ultrasound. It was clear the baby stopped growing, and I was showing signs of an early miscarriage.

3rd ultrasound showing the baby stopped growing

It was only a matter of time before I would have a full-on natural miscarriage. She wanted me to get a blood test in order to monitor my HCG levels and to still keep my December 1st appointment.

My worst fear was becoming a reality. Tuesday at work was the hardest day ever to endure as my symptoms were starting to progress. By lunchtime I regretted not calling in sick. As soon as I got home, I began to bleed heavily and cramp. The RN called me with my blood test results, and after I told her about my symptoms, she advised me at what point I should go to the ER should it come to that.

In attempt to take my mind off what was happening, Joshua took Dani and I to Melting Pot – as sort of a belated anniversary dinner for us and a “thank you for house-sitting” dinner for Dani. However, my symptoms were getting worst as the evening went on to the point where once I got home I just wanted to lie in bed. The cramps were getting more and more painful and the bleeding was getting heavier. I was really close to going to the ER that night.

I went to bed at 9:30pm, waking up every couple of hours or so to use the restroom and change positions due to cramps, and about 1:30am I was fully awake with the most painful cramps I ever experienced and lots of bleeding/clotting. It was happening. I had the textbook symptoms of a miscarriage. For the next two hours I was basically “in labor” as my body worked to expel the fetus. It was incredibly painful and exhausting, but once the final gush of blood and “stuff” happened, the pain went away. I knew it was over. I crawled back into bed around 3:30am exhausted and emotionally drained.

After the Miscarriage

I called out sick from work, filled the prescription my doctor gave me for painkillers, and I went over to my both my parents house and my in-laws house to break the news. Up until this point they had no idea I was pregnant because Joshua and I were planning on telling them at Christmas. Since this was the day before Thanksgiving, I didn’t want to tell them on Thanksgiving plus there was no way I’d be able to go through that day pretending like everything was okay. Naturally, both sets of parents were extremely sympathetic and supportive.

I didn't tell people we're expecting. Then our baby died and I wished I had.

Later in the day I came home to rest. My doctor called to checkin on me, as well as my boss; I hadn’t told my boss what happened yet, only that I was very sick and might need to go to the ER. I told my doctor what happened and she still wanted me to keep my December 1st appointment just so we could make sure everything had been expelled.

The days following, I continued to experience light to medium bleeding as well as occasional cramps, both of which are totally normal following a miscarriage. Yesterday at work I told management what happened, and everyone has been incredibly understanding and supportive.

Emotionally I’ve been taking it one day at a time. My heart aches. A couple friends on Facebook welcomed their babies into the world around the same time I lost mine. It hasn’t been easy healing from this loss. It’s a process that only time can heal.

My doctor has advised me to wait three months before trying to get pregnant again. The good news is I got a pregnant, and now knowing all the lifestyle changes I had to make when I was pregnant I can set up a better foundation for when I am ready to try again.

I will admit though, as anxious as I am to try again in order to fill the void left by this loss, I am also scared that this might happen again. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, and my heart breaks for all the women that have not only experienced this but have experienced this multiple times.

If you made it this far through my blog post, thank you so much for reading. I really wanted to share my experience so others would know they’re not alone. Writing about it has also helped with the healing process for me. Below are links to different articles that I found helpful throughout this experience.

Additional Reading


Kim Johansen

Oh I’m sorry for your loss and this experience you went through. Your story will help other women feel okay to share their stories I think. Thank you for sharing yours. Take care of yourself and rest well. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts.

<3 <3 <3 <3 *all the hugs ever*

Definitely take care of yourself, you deserve it after all of this. You will be in my heart and thoughts, Cristina. <3

Oh Cristina. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you and Joshua are going through. I hope you can take time to heal and come to peace with it. You are always in my thoughts. If you need anything please know that I am here for you.

I am so sorry to hear about this, I can’t imagine what you must feel. Know my heart aches for you. I hope that you take the time to heal as an individual and as a couple, take comfort in the love and support of your friends and family.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. To lose a much wanted and very much loved pregnancy is devastating. Sending you lots of hugs and healing thoughts.

We are so sorry for your loss. We are praying for you and Josh, and the future child (children) you will give birth to.
Love you,
Grandma Sher & Grandpa Dan

So sorry for your loss Christina. Prayers of comfort for you and Josh. And prayers for the future for you that God will rain blessings of little feet pattering into your life.

Thank you for writing this….I know it was hard. Love, hugs, tears, and prayers for both of you.

We’ve been friends on Facebook for some time now, and often you’ve posted things there that made me feel like you were struggling to become pregnant. I know how hard it is when you want to have a baby and are trying and sometimes people say things (without thinking) that can be upsetting or hurtful. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and even then I’m sure it’s nowhere near close to what you’re feeling. My heart is breaking for you, but I know that one day you will be an amazing mother. It may be a very long and difficult road to get there but once you are there it will be so worth it. Believe it or not, I think about you often when I read about someone with PCOS or someone struggling to become pregnant. You’re just always there in my mind. I know that may be a little strange as we don’t really know each other “in real life,” but you and Josh will be in my thoughts and prayers and I’m sending you all of the love and pixie dust I can from afar. *big big virtual hugs*

Sarah Seaman

Sorry for your loss. You and your husband will be in my prayers. I hope you feel peace and comfort during this time. We have experienced 2 as well. Let me know if you ever need anything.

I am really sorry to hear of your loss, Cristina. ? It sounds like it was extremely difficult to go through and you are very brave to share your story. This is something that happens to many women but they are often reluctant to share the details. It’s very heartbreaking knowing that you lost a baby, and I hope all the best for you in future ?

Janice Berridge

Cristina, I am so sorry for yours and Joshua’s loss. Prayers and love to you both.

Grandma Sandy and love from Grandpa Jerry

My heart is breaking for you and Joshua. You both are so special to me. I wish I was there to give you a big hug…please know I will be praying for you. Love you so much.

I have no words. Just sending you lots of love and many hugs. ❤️

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